


I'm sick of loosing soulmates

by maythe4thbewithyou



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Loneliness, M/M, Mentions of past drug abuse, New Orleans, a bit of it at least, a few kissies, but it's a happy ending bc i can't not do that, does anyone know Ethan's last name?, idek if that's a thing but i hear new orleans i think cajun i think eggs, implied sex, me projecting my insecurities onto fictional characters, reference to cajun eggs, some kissies, spencer is so so sad bc what else is he good for, that useless lesbian
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-11
Updated: 2020-10-11
Packaged: 2021-03-08 04:34:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,474
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26949808
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/maythe4thbewithyou/pseuds/maythe4thbewithyou
Summary: ‘Hey. It’s uh… Spencer. I know you’re probably asleep. I think I’m just broken.I’m a man of science but sometimes I wonder… I wonder if this is fate. If I’m… predestined to love and lose until I die. If this is how it was always meant to end with me; alone.'Spencer calls up Ethan one lonely night. Maybe it works out.Title from Sick of Loosing Soulmates by dodie.
Relationships: Aaron Hotchner/Spencer Reid, Ethan/Spencer Reid, mentioned
Comments: 8
Kudos: 80





	I'm sick of loosing soulmates

It’s quite funny, really, when you think about it. How loneliness will drag you underneath the surface and engulf you in darkness. Pull you down deep and drown you, but in your final gasp it offers one more chance. One more desperate attempt to reach up and grab onto something. This is Spencer Reid’s final gasp. 

Another late night at the hotel. Reid can’t sleep, he hasn’t been able to in weeks. He should be up going over the case, trying to connect motive to the suspects, but all he can think of is Hotch. Hotch who left. Of course, _of course_ Reid understood why, and he wasn’t truly mad at his ex-whatever. But his self-sabotaging mind says that Hotch left _him. He_ was too much. That’s why he left without so much as a note, a warning. 

Logic and sense got thrown out the window as Spencer stared up at the ceiling. He couldn’t go on like this, distant at the briefing, unfocused during the investigation, it was getting harder and harder to recall the facts of the case. 

His thoughts are spiraling, blurring together, Spencer needs to be grounded. Spencer needs to _sleep_. So he reaches over to the nightstand, to the only person who ever could calm him down. 

He calls Ethan. 

On the first ring he tears up. By the time it goes to voicemail, he’s already sniffing and wiping at his cheeks with his sleeve. It’s the middle of the night, of course he wouldn’t answer. 

He debates leaving a message, maybe he should just hang up and forget about it. Man up and sleep it off. But he _can’t_ sleep, that’s why he’s calling. Ethan… Ethan cares right? 

‘ _Hey. It’s uh… Spencer. I know you’re probably asleep. I’m sorry. It’s just… this case. I can’t sleep and I can’t focus. Nothing I do is…_ enough _. Everything feels off and I can’t think. I can’t_ THINK.’

He’s getting worked up. After sniffing and taking a deep breath, he continues.

‘ _I don’t know, Ethan… I think I’m just broken. My dad, Gideon, Emily, Maeve, Morgan, Hotch… you..._

_I’m a man of science but sometimes I wonder… I wonder if this is fate. If I’m… predestined to love and lose until I die. If this is how it was always meant to end with me; alone._

_I don’t know if I can keep doing this. Solving other people’s darkness only to come home to my own. Maybe I’m not built for this anymore, maybe everyone who left… left with a piece of me._ ’

He breaths down the line until it beeps again, indicating the end of the voicemail. Maybe he’ll regret it in the morning, but at least he can get some dreamless rest now. A good cry was all he needed. 

——————————————————

Two days later they’re back in Quantico, case solved, no thanks to Reid, and he’s staying late to sort out the paperwork. Or maybe to avoid going back to his empty apartment. 

He’s the only one left in the bullpen, Emily’s still in her office with the blinds closed. She’s been under a lot of stress too, lately. Spencer is just looking forward to passing out at his desk and waking up with a sore neck. His eyes are drooping and his head is slipping when he feels a firm hand on his shoulder. It shakes him into awareness and he looks up to see a face he hasn’t seen in nearly ten years. A face he’s thought about every day and missed so much. 

“Don’t look so surprised, Reid.” The man huffed.

“Ethan, what are you doing here?”

“I got your voicemail. Thought I’d come see you for a bit. You look like hell, bro.”

Spencer wasn’t going to focus on Ethan calling him bro. 

“I didn’t know you were coming! I would’ve-”

“You would’ve? Reid, I just found you at work. At midnight. Drooling over a pile of casework that I know you could have finished in an hour.”

He couldn’t look his long-lost friend in they eye. The hand on his shoulder squeezed once. Spencer stared at the duffel bag hanging from the other’s shoulder. Ethan sighed. 

“Get up, let’s go home, Spence.” 

——————————————————

  
  


Ethan put the kettle on as soon as they walked in. Chamomile tea might not be what Spencer likes, but it’s what he needs. He brought the mugs over to where the sunken man was sitting on the sofa. He didn’t seem to notice the dip in the seat next to him, too focused on a framed photograph of his team, his family. It was an old one, JJ, himself, Morgan, Emily, Hotch, and Gideon at one of their rare outings. It was a fun night at some Chinese restaurant, Hotch taught him to use chopsticks. It’s been years since he laughed that hard with his friends. He’ll never have the chance to do that again. 

He can feel Ethan silently staring, waiting for him to start the inevitable conversation.

“They’ve all left,” his frail voice cracked, “At some point or another, they left and never came back the same. I don’t recognize anyone around me anymore...” The _I don’t recognize myself anymore_ remains unsaid. Tears began their steady descent down his cheeks, he could never keep it in when it came to his family. Ethan’s hand reaches his own on his lap in a soothing rubbing motion.

“But at least Morgan got to say goodbye.”

A sudden stuttered sob rips out when he remembers little Hank, named after _him_. Ethan’s hand finds his face, thumbs wiping away the tears that just wouldn’t stop.

“For nearly a decade I don’t hear from you. Imagine my surprise when I wake up to a voicemail from none other than my rival genius.” He chuckles lightly. His laugh alleviated some of the melancholy feeling in Spencer’s heart.

“Imagine my surprise when I heard you crying. Spencer... they never left _you_ . If anything they came back _for_ you.

_I_ came back for you... After last time, after you got clean in New Orleans, I knew you needed to figure things out. Maybe I let it go on for too long… But I was only trying to give you space.”

His thumb moves to Spencer’s chin, fingers gently stroking his jaw, “I never meant for you to feel alone.” Ethan’s eyes met his own honey ones.

God how Spencer’s missed being this close to Ethan. Feeling his breath, his touch. He tried so hard to forget about him. With Hotch, it worked for a while. It was pleasant and comforting, until Hotch wanted more than Spencer could give, until Mr. Scratch, until Aaron left. Being in Ethan’s space again was surreal, having his attention felt like a dream. He couldn’t let him go again.

“I’m not going anywhere.” Ethan read his mind like he always did. “It’s always been you, Spencer. Ever since we were kids. It was always gonna end with us.”

From this proximity, all Spencer could do was look back into Ethan’s eyes and nod. “It was always you, for me, too.” He whispered, and let Ethan push him back into the couch cushions, settling under his comforting weight. Their legs tangled as they kissed languidly, rediscovering each other with all the time in the world. Spencer drowned in the sensation.

They came back up for air eventually, fingers carding through overgrown hair, kisses peppered on cheeks, foreheads, necks.

“Come on, drink your tea, Goldilocks.”

——————————————————

The next morning Spencer wakes up in his bed, cold, but to the smell of something delicious wafting through the air. He follows the scent trail to the kitchen and his heart swells tenfold at the sight. Ethan in his boxers, swaying around the room like he’s been there before, like he knows what he’s doing, like he belongs there. He does belong there.

“Good morning, sunshine.” The man before him smiled brightly, “I made us some cajun eggs.” He set the skillet down in the middle of the table and strode up to Spencer, grabbing his waist. “How do you feel?”

Spencer wrapped his limbs all around the taller man, tucking his head in his neck, unable to resist being close to him again. “Better,” he mumbled into the skin, and let his actions speak the rest. 

Over breakfast they talk about what’s happened since they last saw each other, how they haven’t spoken since New Orleans. When Ethan helped him get clean. 

‘ _That’s when I knew it would end with us,’_ he said, _‘When I took you to bed and you looked up at me, your eyes brimming with trust, our hands entwined, and you whispered my name like a promise. From then on I knew I’d never let you go. I just had to let you take the first step.’_

Spencer felt weightless, he could float again. 

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading!!! Leave a kudos and a comment if you'd like <3 Feel free to msg me :)
> 
> idk if people read Spencer x Ethan stuff but I do so!! If you do i hope you enjoy this :)
> 
> Tumblr: @reidology


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